I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week