I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?