Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
me and the Superbowl rn
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
This could’ve been an email.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.