@lovemydogduck: I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
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@amselts: [being strapped to a medieval torture table] "tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack"
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story? Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
@ericsshadow: [Target intercom] "Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We've told u for weeks this isn't a daycare."
@VanCityBlonde: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?