I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
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[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
lol
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Teach your children to beatbox
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested