I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Always…
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean