I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
When I laugh on my period
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”