@DadandBuried: I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
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@hammbone84: Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.
@Schmoodles: I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.
@trevso_electric: When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
@jdforshort: "Hitting it hard as shit" and "tickling the hole" are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today