I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
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Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.