I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Human are so complicated
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!