I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
So inspired right now.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.