@Sassafrantz: I'm so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.
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@Iwriteforcats: [Google Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.
@SleepingSuspect: Actual voice mail: "Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."
@moooooog35: I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
@UncleDuke1969: "Dad, I don't feel good." "Do you want to go see the doctor?" "Yeah." "Are you gonna throw up?" "Maybe." "OK. We'll take your mom's car."