@Sassafrantz: I'm so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.
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@MartinPilgrim1: A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she'd just gone to the toilet and now she's back and she hates me.
@MisterRots: If I ever become a ghost, no way I'm haunting some abandoned building. I'm finding the nearest lingerie store and setting up shop there
@NJPsychDoc: Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
@IcyAndSpicy: Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life. I need sex to help my sex life, not food.