me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”