Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.