“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Feels
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.