@Prero22: "I'm so sorry", I go around whispering to people who've just woken up from a coma.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
@ComedicBust: *Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!
@CulturedRuffian: I don't regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
@hamersauce: i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it