@Prero22: "I'm so sorry", I go around whispering to people who've just woken up from a coma.
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@causticbob: When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."
@AmberDonn: The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn't be sacrificed anytime soon.