“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.