“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”