@WSiefford: I'm so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
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@justabloodygame: [commercial for Facebook] *man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars* "Don't you wish there were a better way?"
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"
@realHamOnWry: I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said 'You're a mouth breather, and I'll never respect you'
@jonnysun: MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea