i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
i baked you a cake
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS