“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
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[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
inside you are two wolves
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
You got this…