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@jimmytorosian: "I'm so stoked!"
-An excited fireplace
@ValeeGrrl: Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I'm comin down with something
Me: lol ok whatever
Kid: *tiny cough*
Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA
@hythemafia: To all newly married guys.....
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
@aveuaskew: If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
@SuperRandomish: Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?"
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
@shutupmikeginn: My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.