“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
At Walmart during the holidays like..
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up