“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Writing, She Murdered.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.