I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare