I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.