I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Have kids, they said
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
haha same
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.