I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me