I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
But is it really??
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”