I know karate and tons of other words.
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
2023 was just a warmup
Are you ok, human???
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed