TODAY
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priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Eat…
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”