“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Y’all ready for this
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.