@SingleVixxen: If I ask you how your weekend was, don't reply with "not long enough." Don't be that guy. I will reply with "that's what she said."
@AlexRogaski: *lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds "salmon" to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
@1evilidiot: We had a ninja competition tonight but we don't know if anyone showed up.
@msdanifernandez: [during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
@SondraDeeMe: [vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He's sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat's arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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