“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
This classic never gets old . . .
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*