@SingleVixxen: If I ask you how your weekend was, don't reply with "not long enough." Don't be that guy. I will reply with "that's what she said."

@AlexRogaski: *lifts 10 pound weight* Nice. *adds "salmon" to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

@1evilidiot: We had a ninja competition tonight but we don't know if anyone showed up.

@msdanifernandez: [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]

@SondraDeeMe: [vet office] ME: *puts cat on counter* He's sick VET: How so? ME: Look *cat's arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*