“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
sry
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today