There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.