HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
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What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
courtroom exchange of the day
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.