“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
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respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?