@bridger_w: "I'm sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
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@Home_Halfway: People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I'm not expecting them to be practical
@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
@MikeBigby: Actually Jesus wasn't the carpenter, Joseph was. You're thinking of the Carpenter's Monster
@drhappyknuckles: It's embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she's not a pregnant woman, he's your boss and you're stoned at work.