I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.