“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines