I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Planet of the Apps.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Stop.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.