@Underchilde: I'm sorry but shits and giggles don't sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
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@TheBoydP: “You will feel a little pressure but no pain…” ~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
@XplodingUnicorn: Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself. Me: Yes. She did that.
@KimmyMonte: A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you're at it, why don't you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
@ArfMeasures: [Cocktail bar] WAITER: Ok, what are you having? DATE: The worst night of my life ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail