Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
You Might Also Like
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
inventing words: clothing
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.