I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Hotels are back
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.