every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I hate everything
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.