I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?