I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.