Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”