when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.