@MartaEffing: I'm sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
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@NickMotown: To back up his "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" theory, Newton should've released one simultaneously saying "no it doesn't"
@EndhooS: [High school reunion] Classmate: I've been out building schools in Africa Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
@HumanPog: If I'm ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
@JustDontBugMe: Millennial1: What's a Solar Eclipse? Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.