@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again