@shkeeber: I'm sorry I burned down your house, but the Mythbusters told me not to try it at home and you should really lock your doors when you go out.
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@mattgallo123: Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
@TheMichaelRock: Her: ID please Me: for? Her: alcohol Me: my beard is almost white Her: still need it Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station
@GoldenSpirals: Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple? Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them. Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
@_definitlymaybe: If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!