Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I know karate and tons of other words.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are