I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
subtitles are so good nowadays
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.