@BritXNic: I'm sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
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@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
@blondecalamity: My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
@squirrel74wkgn: UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP *looking for condom in my "Beat It" zipper jacket*
@BromanConsul: "Is your refrigerator running?" "Hasn't decided yet," I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A "FRIDGE 2016" banner hangs above him