Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
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SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”