I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
taking June’s advice to heart
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.