I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.